No

It was normal for me to succumbed to temptation. Aren't we all? After all, we are just mere humans.

But we do have the choice to make things right for ourselves. Others can advice. But ultimately, we choose to be who we want to be. Unfortunately, most of the times, instead of blaming ourselves on the decision we have unconsciously made, we blamed others by confusing their advice(s) as an act of force.

I held his 4 year old right hand with my left. His palms, though small and unconvinced, were gripped tightly of what i am convinced. I brought him over to the store, leading him intently to the only thing he needs - the chance to get out of any chance embarassment.

I tried to find his pants size in the kids sections. I saw L, i knew it was too big. I saw M, again, it wouldn't have fit him. I looked for S and took it out and stretch my hand to look from afar. I saw a possibility and bring him closer to fit him. It looked fit on the outside. I asked him to change. It didn't.

It was at this moment, it reminded on how his parents were arguing on what to do best for him. Whether to buy him a pin or to just let him hold his lose pants across the crowded them park. He was 4, nobody knew him except his family members. Why would embarassment be an issue to begin with? Though it is financially correct to not being able to rectify the issue straight away, it is also another minute of embarassment of which the little boy can never verbalise in what would have being construde as just a child who knows nothing.

I hope to not be in that situation in my future life. Though hoping doesn't guarantee a guarantee, it offers motivation. And it is in that light of day, through the crowded environment, i paid for the right size of pants for the little boy. A solution that have needed no exchange of crude gestures from the two person who is supposed to take care of the child.

It is with that, shows, though humans are greed of money, what one do with the excess of it (if any) and the choice they have to make. How do you distinguish which is the priority over the other when one decision made now affects the other? Does this ambiguous yet petty situation needs to be consulted with the One? Would that thought even occur in the first place.

It is a continuous journey. It will always be. I believe that to escape the encounter of such situation would require one to continuously succumbed to none other but Him. Just because one will never know what's going to happen in the future. And though the child may grow up without feeling a single bit of shame in recollection of the memory, i was happy to just have made it go away for that tiny moment.

I hope that i'll be stronger for myself and my future family. Mentally, emotionally, financially and most importantly - spritually. For i do not want my current choices to affect the ones that deemed to be unaffected - my child(dren).

Amin.

Bitterness

Not sure whether it was a question or a statement but it was said - don't be bitter...

And it reminded me of my past. Pulling through in warp speed going back to the time when i first had a taste of emo rock song. It was from Radiohead - Creep. I fell in love instantly with the song when i first heard it while sitting in a cramped back seat with my late grandma and 2 other siblings on our way back to Kampung. Of course, i was too young to even comprehend what love is all about and to a certain extend, what's the meaning of "creep". Yes, that's how young i was.

Nevertheless, it made me searched for more emo type of songs. Where the music is hard and the voice is tolerably "merengek" with nice meaningful lyrics. I found Smashing Pumpkins which in the end became my favourite band of all of my present short-lived time. Found other songs from Radiohead, Muse, Racheal Yamagata, 30 Seconds from Mars, Coldplay, Travis and so much more of them. They are the epitome of all emotions, conveying cryptic messages that transcends beyond what they sing and hit me inside deep.

So, don't ask me to not be bitter. Just don't. It was a beautiful lie to you. But i just don't want to live in denial with mine.

Isn't it not?

Desire

Desires, ambitions, wants, needs...are some of the words that human beings used to describe their inclination in something. Though they have a distinctive differences in their meaning, they are however separated by an extremely thin line.This past week has been enlightening. A few things that has happened made me think about these thin lines. Most importantly, what have i learned? Or should have learned?

Maybe a review of the wonderful movie UP can summarize them.

Mr Fredricksen lived his life dis-opinionated. Quiet, easy and enjoyed every living seconds that he spent with his wife - Ellie. Both of them shared the same dream to have their house near the waterfall in South America or if i may say, Ellie's dream which by then has became his as well.

With Ellie's death and the rise of the capitalist, he ventured out by sticking out thousands of balloons on his house and fly away in it - in search of life's meaning. Or should i say, he is desperate to give meaning to his life after her passing. The meaning that all these years together, battling through storms and accidents together, the journey will encapsulate his unconditional love for her. While doing that, he was "assisted" by young boy Russell who, in his young-innocent age, was already searching for meaning of life.

What i have learned are:

1. With a dream, came desire. While dreams are merely a thought of something in your mind, desire will spur one to achieve it.

2. This desire then become a wanting. Of which further mistakenly camouflage under the word needs.

3. Dreams are there to be shared. It does not mean as much if you don't. Same as how Carl felt even when he finally set his house at their "dream" destination.

4. Desires if not controlled and contained in a rational way will change you. That's how far Carl's & Ellie's Idol has gotten just so that he can prove to the world that he is right.

5. Both Carl & Russell thought all they needed and wanted was to have meaning in their life. And that the adventure will give them that. Though it definitely made them closer, a mere understanding and opening up to one another would have also made the same difference. Though maybe not as impactful.

There's loads of other learnings that one can gather from this wonderful movie. I imagine, if i ever have a child, i will watch this movie again with them and talk to them about it.

But most enlightening experience is that how i can relate myself with this movie. I can't differentiate between my dream and my desire. And before i can do that, I will never be able to distinguished whether or not i need them nor do i want them. It humbled me and for that i thank both Pete Docter & Bob Peterson for making me realize them.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED MOVIE

Deaf

"...I don't wanna fight no more, I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other baby, like an act of war
I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise
When the truth is like a stranger, hits you right between the eyes

There's a time and a place and a reason
And I know I got a love to believe in
All I know got to win this time..."

Remember them?

The Misconception.

Watch this. Though i think this short film exaggerates wayyyyy too much and somehow can be seen as insulting, I still think it's great. Check out more from here. Awesome stuffs.

100809

Since 28 June, i was running around. Trying to catch my breath (what's left of it). Once in a while, i was wondering whether this is the life that i have been craving for. Not that i have one that is clearly written in my black book waiting to be executed. I'm just a simple guy - work for the money so that you can enjoy life.

It was great. I've overcome the fear of driving in the rain. It didn't take long. I forced myself to drive back to the scene of the accident and just go through it. I love driving. I didn't wanna put it off just because of a horrific accident.

But it did taught me a lot though. The accident somehow knocked some senses in my head that life is just too damn short. Take it easy. Do your best and you'll reap the rewards. InsyaAllah.

Any significant thing happened since June? Yeah, a few...

1. Finally bought a Hugo Boss suit. I just can't deny myself to have one. Blue thin stripe black Italian cutting suit with the emblem of Hugo Boss perfectly stitched inside.

2. Launched a golf campaign. I still no nuts about golf. I hope that one day, i wouldn't be force to play golf.

3. Had my first ever Press Ad in The Star and The Edge.

4. Celebrated Six Years of trying to understand a person.

5. Bought a Sneaky Steve snickers!

6. Met Jonet, Shu and their son - Elyas for the first time. I foresee the cute Elyas either becoming a heartbreaker or an Ustaz in the future. Super-super cute boy.

On leave today. Trying to tell myself that i have a life.

The Right Nutrition

You don't need to spread your legs, wear short-torned-out denim, show cleavage and fight robots. You just have to go to Hogwarts, kill some CGI monster and have Mario Testino as your photographer. Talk about growing up right - barely legal, 19 year-old Emma Watson, Burberry's face for fall collection. Mmpphh..total hotness.